When I really don't want to do anything, I'll pretty much do anything else. Right now, I don't want to pack or go to sleep. It means that Not only will i have to wake up in the morning, but i will also have to graduate. And leave my friends and the family that I have here.
I have never felt so strongly this feeling like there is nothing out there. I remember being daunting in freshman year that i was finally in college. And that after this i would have no idea where i was going. At the time I put off worrying about it until after college. Well, here it is. and while i have a much sturdier idea of where i want to end up and how to get there, that doesn't mean that i have any fucking clue where i am going. And I don't have any more time left to consider my options.
Well, in seven hours, I graduate from college. I don't have a stellar academic record. But I'm graduating none the less. I haven't broken down in tears yet. I don't expect that i will break down tomorrow, Unless something big happens. And graduating doesn't count.
I'm graduating tomorrow.
No, I'm graduating today.
I don't think i realize what that means. Only today i was thinking, I want to do something or other on campus, but i can't. I'll do it tomorrow or later. But there is no tomorrow or later. This is it. I will never sleep on this campus as a student, with my own room and stuff camped out. I no longer have a claim on a room or a seat in a classroom or anything else here. I rememeber havening a feeling in freshman year that i had chosen badly and should not have come here. But that didn't last long. I remember Ranwa and Karina really wanted to transfer. But they didn't. I know I'm rambling, but it's 3 am, I'm leaving college forever today, So it's allowed.
Most of my stuff is gone now.